single motherhood

Is not for me! But I have incredible respect for those who are. So when Mark came home with the news that he would be going to Shanghai for work for a month, my first reaction was, Great, let me look into flights for me and the kids! Anything that had Shanghai on the cover, I was reading, taking notes of things to do, places to visit, my sister is only a 3 hour flight away, etc. But then reality set in. Tickets were expensive, and Mark's work wasn't confirming anything, then all of us would have to get visas, another expense, plus the fact that it would be me with 2 kids by myself, most of the time in this huge city. Not exactly relaxing, but let's say that the first reason was probably what killed the idea of going.

So, the week before my birthday, Mark's tickets were confirmed and he would be staying in a 5 star hotel from March 3rd to the 30th. Gulp. There wasn't much I could do to prepare myself, other than to take things one day at a time. Fortunately for me, we live in Italy where Luca as a 3 year old is entitled to public funded preschool full time, 5 days a week from 9am-4pm. That saved my sanity on some days for sure. It meant I had an entire 2 hours to myself each morning, while Luca was at school and Ella slept. With that time I often had projects to do, or household chores, and then a couple days when I collapsed in exhaustion.

Knowing I had a month to kill without Mark, I figured, if we can't go to China, let's go somewhere else. Our friends just moved to Belgium, perfect, low cost flight out of Torino, we're going! So for 5 days in the middle of Mark's absence, we had somewhere to go, to distract ourselves, and eat waffles!

I knew that the nights and mornings were going to be the toughest. Who was going to get up with a teething Ella at night? Me. Who was going to comfort Luca when he awoke with a nightmare, fever, earache, etc? Me. And as springtime comes, the mornings come earlier. One morning I can remember well, Luca started stirring at 6am. I thought, oh please God no, let him sleep just a little bit longer. I played dead to encourage his continued slumber, but instead, he sat up and announced, "Mamma, wake up, it's light outside!" And then turned to his sister who was also sleeping next to me after a rough night and poked her to wake her up. Poor Ella bug wanted to sleep as badly as I did, but there was no going back. So that morning, we were 3 (myself included) cranky people. It was officially Easter holiday, so Luca wasn't going to school where he could play off his energy, he was home with us where one tantrum lead to another, with Ella crying in the background all the while. The commotion must have been enough because later in the morning I got a text from our downstairs neighbor, Valeria, and good friend, "Erin, is everything okay? Can I help you in any way?" I asked her if she would like to buy my son, but no, everything is okay, thank you! Twenty minutes later she arrived with 2 steaming cappuccinos and 2 croissants from our favorite bar. Grazie a Dio!

Yes, the mornings were maybe the most painful, probably because my dear husband is a morning person and is usually the one to get up with Luca for sunrise, and get the pancake making going. The nights, those can be hard too, but when you know you have no choice, and the faster you calm that crying baby, the better chance there is of not waking the other one, that will get you jumping out of a deep slumber no problem.

One night in particular I can remember, was our first night in Belgium. We came home from a birthday party where we ate an assortment of food. I remember feeling quesy, but just figured it was a bad combination of Belgian meatballs, sushi and lasagna (when you have the option of everything, try everything, is my motto). However, in the middle of the night, I was sleepless, and then Ella started crying, I jumped up as usual to avoid 2 babies waking, and instantly felt my nausea coming up, so instead of running to Ella, I ran to the bathroom.As I knelt in front of the toilet, I could hear both of my babies crying in chorus. I thought to myself, God have mercy on me. Can you go any lower than this?? Thankfully, the moment passed, and everyone was able to sleep again, but just another reminder of why it takes 2 to have kids!

Keys to survival:
Friends. The saying "It takes a village to raise a child" rang true for me this last month. At the beginning of March, my girlfriends created a calendar of the 4 weeks of Mark's absence. It is filled with daily appointments of "Lunch at Angela's", "Dinner at Valeria's," "Mommy goes to the Spa Day", "Walk with the Girls", "Annalisa takes Luca to School," and "Mariana comes to babysit." Their company and constant availability was lifesaving, or at the very least, sanity saving. A lot of times, adult company, is what you need to talk things out and feel normal after a sleepless night and a trying morning. That, and a good cappuccino.

My children. Sure, a lot of times the hard times come quicker to memory than the good times, but we had lots of good times together. After I gave my italian bird flu to my Belgian friend, we were on our own for a day in her neighborhood with a double stroller. The kids and I took off on a mini adventure, and had a great time. We couldn't find a playground but we found wooded lanes and big houses that looked like castles, Luca told me which one he wanted. Then we headed to a little cafe where Luca ate vanilla "ato" and mommy, the best apple pie ever. Ella slept, while Luca and I drew castles and tractors all over the paper table mats. We packed up and started heading back to the house where Luca took a nice bath and painted with colors that turned into bubble bath. Overall, a great day.

An Occasional Treat. For me, this was my almost daily cappuccino at the bar. The first weekend, senza Mark, I went to the Pasta Fresca, and loaded up on freshly made lasagna, gnocchi, and raviolis so I wouldn't have to cook all weekend. One morning, I was so tired and Ella was still sleeping, so I offered Luca the ipad with some quality Donald Duck cartoons, and snoozed for another 45 minutes, I was way too tired to feel guilty, and I woke up a much better Mother. This includes treats for your kids! Luca on the flight back from Belgium was refusing to get in his seat and put on his seatbelt. I had Ella buckled in on my lap, so forcing Luca to sit down and strap in, was impossible, as the runway approached I grabbed to pieces of candy and said in a low voice, buckle up and Mommy will give you this candy. Not exactly what I plan to use as my main disciplinary tactic, but useful when you're desperate!

Lots and lots of patience and the art of distraction. Yelling at your kids doesn't really get you anywhere, especially a stubborn 3 year old. I'm learning when I need to ignore things, let things go, and just breathe in moments of mini crisis. Luca loves playing with his little sister, but sometimes this leads to rough housing with a 10 month old, or a bit of jealousy when Ella starts playing with Luca's prized possessions. The art of distraction can go a long way. Instead of crying about that 5th pancake that mommy fed to Ella, it's time to go paint some easter eggs!

Well, Mark came back last night and it's so nice to have him back. Usually I would be in bed about an hour ago (it's 10:30pm), but after a day of Daddy and a big Italian Easter lunch, I have the energy to write the longest blog I've ever written. I didn't want to forget this experience while the memories were still fresh. And noting that I signed my sisters birthday card, love, Uncle Mark & Auntie Amy, it's better that I do this now, rather than later!

What have I learned for next time?? Daddy can leave for 2 weeks max (while the children are small), or we're coming with him, ideally with a grandparent, or friend in tow!